what a summer. I've spent most of it in or by water so far, as god intended. it's been tranquil, exciting, satisfying. it feels like i have had so much to think about, yet when i come here to type it all in. my mind draws a blank. maybe i'm falling victim to the perception of me, what if i am treating myself the way others seem to treat me? as if there's no way i could be thinking hard and heavy. as if because it appears to several senses that nothing is happening (not seeing anyone or suffering, or both) then that must be so. but that's not true. i am thinking. thinking a lot. i can't tell if i'm blossoming inside or not, though. i think i'm reconfiguring the mental roadmap between from me to my body. like i have followed the general consensus on what my appearance prescribes. a blue eyed blonde thin girl who must just be pretty blah blah, lets put her on a yacht. on a golf course behind a guy being bored. on a date. in a fancy hotel, in a bathing suit and let her rot in a luxury she earned genetically. i have believed that my body is just an item before, just as many around me do. oh my seashell heart, one of the first ever human currencies. maybe its just the way things go. a young person's body was currency way before anything else. crap.
but what if i am a cocoon? what sort of creature am i becoming? i have to believe i am something else before i can become it. but what am i.. more than just a holiday? what is a holiday anyway...